15 minutes of fame

Silly me. I fell asleep amidst the sweet warmth of the boxes by which I was concealed. When I came to it was Sunday. There was not a moment to lose as I am now a day behind schedule. I immediately sprang into action and flung open the fridge. Inside was a bottle of Dr Pepper. So I drank it.

Refreshed I ate today's and yesterdays soup all in one bowl: cream of mushroom and beef broth. Thus fortified I clambered into bed to rest for my first day at work.

14 pounds to a stone

A cold, grey day. A day to practice some indoor skills.

Today: concealment. I carefully arranged boxes in the storeroom to appear haphazardly thrown to the casual observer. Then using my waif-like frame I wiggled into the space inside. The pièce de résistance was an old tea towel laid across the air opening.

Thus concealed I hope to elude detection until dark.

Today's soup was cold winter vegetable. Brrrr. Brrr.

Unlucky for some..

Alas my days of leisure are limited. Soon I will be thrust into heady world of business and my finely honed mind will no longer be available for betterment of mankind. I must use my time creatively. So I spent today colouring in my Tarzan book.



Today's soup was winter vegetable. Brrrrrrr.

The Dirty Dozen

At last my various talents have been recognised. The position is mine. Taking the advice to "jazz up", as I think the young people say, my exploits I wowed the interviewers. I thought I might have stretched a little far with my tales of fencing against the crown heads of Europe and my stories of derring-do on the high seas but ultimately it is with such experiences that I intend to turn this mere wage slavery into an employment the likes of which have not been seen since the days of Rider Haggard. Bring on the day I stride proudly through the doors of the CAB in my best crushed velvet trousers and ermine cape. I spent the day PLANNING.

In celebration today's soup was carrot and coriander. Full of C. And vim. And vigor.

Ocean's 11

Interview day! Seeking advice from an acquaintance he offered the following jewels of wisdom: wear a suit and read "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu for my approach and strategy.

So I dusted off the old suit in preparation. You know some people say that sailor uniforms are going out of fashion. The very idea! I toyed with wearing the cap but the tassel kept swinging in my eyes and I judged this may prove a distraction.

Time was a pressing, so to cut a few corners I rented the film of the Art of War. Wesley Snipes was great in it. However as a treatise on strategy it was lacking. I had also rented the "Lord of War" with Nic Cage. That was more like it.

Today's soup was pea and mint. Green.

A big 10-4

The experiment of a life time! Oh, to be alive and feel the power of discovery. This must be how Newton, how Faraday, how L.Ron Hubbard felt before making their breakthroughs.

I set up two screen with DVD players. On one I ran the film "Yellowbeard" and on the other was "Solider Blue". By blinking a lot and flicking my eyes between them both I hoped to to recreate the feeling of watching the "Color Purple". Note the spelling for our cousins across the pond.

Later, feeling somewhat dizzy, I noted the effects as "disappointing" in my research jotter.

Today's soup was lentil and bacon. I ate it with a rustic roll and pictured myself as enjoying one of the better days in Gulag.

..and the Germans say Nine

I fancied a bike ride today. While laying upon the bed I contemplated the many, many gases that could be used to inflate the tyres; Argon, Neon, Hydrogen, even air. I finally settled on air but at that point the rain had began to fall so I settled back to browse a book of anatomy.

I was forced from beneath the duvet into the kitchen by a revelation. Dabbing with swarfega and armed with a Prussian Blue felt tip I was able to correct the location of the elbow on the Marie Claire chart.

Trapped in the house I was forced to wash out the remains of oxtail from the old tins to pull together a watery broth. Weak.

All Eight

At last the weekend again. Time to kick back and spend some personal time. The interview letter I recently received glares at me from the table. However my mind is on weightier matters.



A person of my acquaintance has commented that I didn't know my arsehole from my elbow. After extensive research I have located both objects and circled them on the human body diagram I got free with Marie Claire and keep pinned up in the kitchen.



Oxtail. Last can, thank God!

Seventh Heaven

Feeling a little sore this morning in the old bounce department so I have decided to exercise the grey matter by learning all about painting.

Apparently there are many different styles. I could only find Matt, Gloss and Vinyl Silk before the guy at B&Q threw me out.

Today's soup was oxtail. I feel another trip to the shops may be pending.

Feeling Six-y

A big day today. Today is the Barber's birthday. I glanced dejectedly at my guitar and willed myself into action.

I climbed atop the wardrobe and from this vantage point was able to see a cat again. Wonder if it was the same cat I saw the other day? Hard to tell with the black ones.

Today's soup was Oxtail. Predictable.

Revenge of the Fifth

Leapt from my bed with the unbridled joy of invention. I would create a simulacrum of myself constructed entirely of household waste. This doppelganger would enable me to escape the clutches of various footpads and brigands that foul my way on my travels. I would be able to use my dummy to confuse their attention and make good my escape.

Made a wrist out of an old toilet roll before I lost interest.

Today's soup was oxtail. Again.

May the fourth be with you

As it is nearly Wednesday I have to decide my life changing decision for announcement tomorrow. I am toying with the idea of becoming mystical.

As practice I spent the day pointing at things; a kettle, a chair, a badly faded poster of Harry Nilsson, while muttering zen like nonsense under my breath - "Is it I who points or the object that drags my finger?", "The sun shines on the colours of the world equally", "Ugg boots are slippers and not proper boots", etc, etc.

Today's soup was oxtail. Again.

..and three is the charm

Today was going to be the day I was finally going to do it. I was going to march along the canal, whistling a happy tune (Que Sera, perhaps?), to Sheffield museum and finally get them to show me a picture of a bear so I would know what one looked like at last. But when I got to just outside the Aldi I discovered I had a piece of blu-tack stuck to the bottom of my shoe. So great was my shame that I retired back home clutching a six pack of Ox tail.

Today's soup was oxtail. Beefy.

Day two and still no sign of land

The snow has finally melted and I can see the pieces of bread I throw on the roof opposite in order to attract the legendary Roc. So far there has only been a few starlings.

Watched a cat through the window.

Today's soup was Pea and Ham. Thick and gloupy.

The End Begins

Salut! I am Richard Arthur Bennett (soon to be Richard Arthur Blaze if I can raise the money to pay for the name change). This is a daily look at my philosophy and warm words of wisdom. Life, love, happiness and soup will be touched by my genius.

Today I found a copy of the Metro on the street and spent the day filling in all of the "O"s with my old bookies pen.

Today's soup was spicy parsnip. Not too spicy and you can't really taste the ginger.